How many times have I tried to fall in love with no success? Many! And trust me, I have been working on finding out why it has not been possible, going to the most recondite parts of myself, uncovering past traumas and triggers, and working on myself –of course, I do not do this just to find the right partner but to become a better version of myself. This post is about what my stories of failure have taught me, because as my reading for today highlighted, failure always means opportunity, so there you go.
I will be writing here some of the learnings and questions that keep popping up whenever I face a new situation with my love life.
The first learning I have to note is how recognising and acknowledging your value will ease letting people go. Every time a new person enters my life (this applies to any relationship: friends, colleagues or just the stranger on the train that has a random conversation with me), I know their mission is to teach me some insights I didn’t count on until then. However, when my heart, gut, and breath (my whole body) tell me that I don’t belong there anymore and when life places me in a situation where I find my peace has been stolen, I know it is time to let go.
Knowing your value is attached to confidence. Until I realised the power of believing in myself and being grateful for the strong woman I am and all the qualities that have taken me so far; I couldn’t put myself out there; because dealing with rejection has never been easy for me. Without this, I would always try to be a people pleaser, dishonouring my needs.
The above leads to my second learning, the power of communication; wow! This one has been a difficult one, above all, because I tend to avoid conflict. But as I have witnessed in my attempts to answer the whys, difficult conversations must happen. With assertive communication, affective responsibility comes along. You can imagine how many problems can be avoided if people were honest from the beginning. I want someone capable of sitting in front of me and being straightforward in their intentions. I value honesty as if not the most valued attribute one can have; humility is the second.
We are in the 21st century, and people still think playing with someone’s feelings is fun. I am getting close to my 30s (Fuck, I know), and people my age are not mature enough to have honest, difficult conversations and discuss their real intentions? Are you not interested anymore? Speak! Are you not in love with your partner anymore? Speak! No, no, no, you do not love me, and I know now plays in the background while I write this. One of the things that anger me the most is betrayal. I have a long story with that word. But as I consider myself a loyal person, I do not admit that any person in my surroundings treats me oppositely.
Communication is vital; how do you place boundaries if it is not with words? People are not mind readers; they do not know what your needs are, what you are uncomfortable with, or what your expectations are. Here is where I find myself challenged the most, as I do not want people to be annoyed by my needs. No! I do not want to cause any trouble, even if that means neglecting what is essential for me.I could write an entire post about what it has taken from me to speak up, to say no, to put myself first, and to love and accept myself like no other person would.
In fact, a good part of my anxiety is attached to the times when I say yes when in my deep self, I want to say no. Here is a big thanks to that friend who asked the same question three times until I could say no; it has meant the world to me. But as it has taken so much from me to raise my voice, I need to put on the spot how good it feels to display my needs, to say what I truly want, to speak my mind when I feel there are some unfair situations when I do not find respect, and dealing with the answers, it is even more astounding, because what I could take personally, I understand that it is once again a way to let people go. Are you honouring my boundaries and needs as I communicate them to you, as I raised their importance for me? Or are you telling me that is something that is not manageable for you?
I now know what I deserve: taking what I know brings value and working on delivering value to others, reciprocity. It is allowing real connection to enter my life no less than that. I want to finish this post with a quote from one of my favourite authors, Brené Brown “Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.”
Words that need to be spoken. 